Reflection beyond the mirror.
For all the time staring into the bathroom mirror, all the car windows glanced at, and all the poorly-lit dressing rooms we have tried on dresses in, authentic self-reflection is a skill few ever master.
Typically, when we check out our reflection walking by a tinted store window, we are looking for details of merely our outward appearance. One part of us expects to see what we remember seeing before… maybe earlier that morning. Another part of us hopes to see what we have decided would be a “better” version of face, our figure, or our hair. Maybe we want to see a younger version of ourselves… one without smile wrinkles or greying roots. And we typically do whatever we can, to make the former match the later.
This can carry on day after day after day, year after year. If we are not careful, we never really see who we are and become all we can be.
As we age, we change. It is a fact of life. And that’s what is supposed to happen. Without change there can be no growth. Without the passing of time, wisdom cannot be acquired. The very definitions of life and living require evolution, expansion, and even the revolutions around the sun that mark transitions between seasons in our lives.
If we did not age, if we did not change, and if time did not pass, we could not be transformed. And this is what God has asked for us to do, in order for our lives to be richly blessed according to His will.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.” -Romans 12:2
His instructions for transformation cannot come through rounds of Botox. Nor can it be secured through a new outfit, or weighing twelve pounds less. Yet this is what we turn to when we aren’t pleased with the appearance of who stares back when we look into the mirror. We rarely see beyond our complexion or how well our shoes match the theme of the evening’s gathering.
The kind of transformation God is interested in entails far more. It can only come through changes in character and thought, brought about through reflection on who we are and how we compare to who we’d like to be as a whole person, ideally mirroring the likeness of God in every way.
The world doesn’t support this kind of self-appraisal. Anyone who has ever embarked on a diet or shape-shifting mission, for anything other than true health requiring either, can attest to the addictive nature of measuring “success” by a number or what we see with our eyes. We often seek reassurance and a sense of security in self through verifying our progress towards closing the gap between the remembered and hoped-for physical images.
I remember one of the hardest parts of recovery from eating disorders was watching my shape literally change in a direction 180 degrees from that which had secured my previous safety. Obsessive body checking had given me a false sense of control, victory, and peace for years… so long as the girl staring back was “transforming” in a way the world would approve of (read -> thinner).
I was fortunate in a way. I wouldn’t recommend choosing to walk the path I took to my real transformation, but in order to survive, and have any chance at pursuing any of my dreams, I was forced to look at myself differently. Not glance, not awkwardly avoid, not superficially gaze… really intently look at my real self and who I was.
Birthdays passing and our aging allows for the revealing of the truest you. But they do not guarantee anything. The development of character doesn’t come by itself, like wrinkles do, with the simple passage of time. It takes work. And self-reflection in the truest sense.
Do not confuse self-reflection with criticism. Nor should it be mistaken for rumination. Both of these narrow our focus and divert our attention, leading to obsession and the initiation of our body’s threat response in effort to “fix” a perceived problem. We miss the forest for the trees in life, if you will.
Typically, rumination occurs over something deemed to be stressful, where somebody does not get satisfaction and frustration remains. When we ruminate we are not really trying to understand or learn from our experience. Rather, we are just reliving the experience, often hyper focusing on our failures and flaws. Rumination hurts our ability to solve problems, stunts our progression in every area of development, and results in even more anxiety and despair.
Self-reflection, on the other hand, is looking inward in an attempt to find clarity and understanding. When we self-reflect we engage in constructive assessments of ourselves and compare where we are at with where we want to be in a healthy way. I spoke more on this here.
A fundamental part of self-reflection is accepting who we are, right where we are, without judgment. We must adopt an attitude of grace and a desire to grow and improve our character as our highest calling. It requires a deep honesty that reveals the superficiality of so much of how many of us attempt to “measure up”. And it focuses our attention back on the forest of personal evolution, establishing our comparison base as none less righteous than God himself.
Changing our appearance, as superficial as it may be, can be both quite easy, and unbelievably beyond reach. And we all know how easy it is to compare our physical appearance to standards of society, regardless of the outcome. We may feel good about ourselves when we have all the right clothes and body shape praised by our era, or we may hate ourselves and go to lengthy, often dangerous, measures to conform.
But the longer your physical reflection is all you see, the further from true transformation you get, whether you desire to change everything about the way you look, or nothing at all.
Gaze past the image. Focus beyond skin-deep. Look deeper, into your soul. There you will find the real you… and all that God is really interested in changing through the passage of time and aging of your face.
