When God wins the bargain.

In late December of 2018, late at night after another lonely evening of purging, I looked out the back French door window into the dark starry night.  My breath creating condensation on the cold glass, I searched to find the man on the moon just above the leafless line of oak trees out back.  I often looked to see what mood his face revealed; it always mirrored my own.

Through tears I gazed at the bright round slightly-fuzzy circle, with tingling in my feet despite 6 months of countless appointments by that point, imaging, tests, and painful procedures.  I desperately lay my fleece before the Lord and told Him that I would let go of my eating disorder, if He would heal my feet.

I unmistakably heard Him reply

“Do it anyway.”  

Tears. Oh, the tears that came. To this day and before that evening, I have never since and had never before felt such resignation out of obedience.

As a young girl, most likely at a camp I went to on a small island in Upstate New York (for my home church was good for bible verse sword drills but not much else of depth at the middle school level) I had learned about “putting out a fleece before the Lord”. As I understood it to be, it was a bit like making a deal with the Lord when you weren’t certain what do do about something. It’s a “if this, then that” kind of prayer.

I’m a pretty logical person, and extremely intuitive when it comes to listening to my heart and knowing what my gut tells me… in the instances where morals don’t provide a clear cut direction to take on something. But there have been (albeit few) memorable times when I quietly presented my if/then selections to God late at night, and committed to following through with whatever the outcome was.

More often than not, though, I think it was God making the deal with me, which I would learn about at a later date. Some that I managed to decipher as my way of understanding events that unfolded and remember at the moment (possibly because He and I seem to negotiate on these same deals a bit too often, and I always end up on the short end…) are:

“If you push yourself too hard, you’ll get an injury because I need to get you to stop to protect you.”

My response- continue on. His response- sprained this, that, other… again.

“If you continue doing a career you are unhappy with, you will get increasingly anxious, tired, and disheartened.”

My response- not trusting to let go. His response- exhaustion, depression, sadness, lack of joy or feeling of purpose.

“If you don’t fuel yourself adequately (and I made you so don’t try to pull a hood over my eyes), your body won’t work well.”

My response (for a long while)- fighting high fat, animal protein, under-eating or eating barely at my threshold, saving calories for evening. His response- hormones suck, body retains fat out of protection and as a “I’ll show you what happens if you don’t treat me well” tactic, fatigue, more injuries, hair falling out, weak bones.

So you can see, this deal-making conversation style with God isn’t new to me. But it’s usually Him in a one-way conversation, and my replies come late, as commitments to change (occasionally whole-hearted even!) once I see that the outcome worked in His favor… again.

But on the occasions where I decided to initiate and fully engage in a bargaining manner with My Creator, I was extremely attentive. After all, I needed something, and REALLY needed Him to answer. (Note: I very obviously needed Him to provide answers in the other negotiations as well, but I was typically too headstrong, cocky, sick, or ignorant to know so until after the deal was done and the outcome made me realize that apparently I had been bargaining with My Maker by what I was doing…. Nothing like a wake up call or hundred, eh?!)

I am certain I would receive some flack should I share with others how my rocky relationship with God progresses in a very circular, go-nowhere style. And I am likely to be equally met with verses about not testing God. (Luke 4:12 where Jesus himself says not to do so… come to mind anyone??)

But to the former I will retort with my sharp tongue:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7)

I like that verse. It’s an excellent get-off-the-hook verse to keep in your arsenal. You should memorize it me thinks. It has served me well. (Please don’t question the attitude behind my usage of this scripture… I may simply repeat it. Thanks.)

As for testing God- nope. Don’t do it. It’s a very very bad idea. He won’t likely get angry, but you will likely feel quite foolish when the wine wears off or a beautiful butterfly lands on your finger and you realize you questioned the Artist about His skill when stick figures with a sharpie marker is your level of mastery.

Presenting a test in life, with carefully-considered options to choose from, as a way of dedicating both your obedience and lack of direction to God at the same time is not testing God. It’s showing Him you have done your best, and that you are turning the reins over to Him to decide which fork in the road to take next.

What I didn’t anticipate that night, however, was that, to God, there are infinite options. He may not choose from the ones you present.

My husband is an “option number 3” guy too. A “this or that” question is often answered by “yes”. “Spaghetti or Chicken?” may be met with “How about tacos or chili?” (Decent of him to provide me with options in reply, eh?!)

So I am not sure why it surprises me so much when God does the same. But I do know that it’s always about far more important issues than the ethnicity of the evening cuisine, and I also know that when God tells you something, that’s pretty much it. Case closed. I can weasel out of making chili if it’s late and I’m low on beans. And if my husband’s reply is “yes” to a “this or that”, an inquisitive look with my head cocked slightly or irritated glance with pursed lips will suss out the clarity I am after.

But when God speaks- when He makes sure you just know- the bargaining is over. Be foolish long enough and fight it, and you will most likely (albeit painfully) eventually become wise. Either way, when God wins the bargain, even if he chooses option number 3, game over.

With Him I have learned (this is the wisdom part after a lot of the foolish part) that He will reply to your fleece with what you need. Only rarely will it be what you want. One day, though, when you truly grow up, you will want it too.