Yes, no, now, or later? When waiting becomes way too long…

It was nearing on 7pm, around which time my mum usually rang the Swiss cowbells hanging by the phone on the wall in the kitchen. This would mean supper was ready, and my little sister and I scurried out from wherever we were playing to wash our hands and get to the table. “A table” my mother would call out in French. “Chop chop” my dad would follow it by if anyone was dawdling.

“Oh no!” I thought to myself. “My fruit roll-up!”

What?

I’d tucked it under my pillow for safe keeping (because that’s where all children store their fruit roll-ups, didn’t you know?!), and I’d forgotten about it.

That is one fine example of delayed gratification gone rogue.

For most, the idea of delayed gratification bears a powerful and positive connotation. The ability to delay an impulse for an immediate reward to receive a more favorable reward at a later time is the standard definition of delayed gratification. Undeniably associated with self-control, discipline, and enhanced reward, those who possess this skill are often admired. Restraining oneself from that third piece of pie…because you know if you go for it you’ll feel sick later. Holding back on buying another pair of flip flops when you already have four pairs… because you really want to go on that summer trip and the way your friend likes to live it up, it ain’t gonna be cheap! Taking that certification class when what you really want is to watch the ball game… because it gives you a real shot at the position you’ve been eyeing for a while.

On the flip side, those without any capability in this area are typically viewed as impulsive, impatient, and lacking self- restraint. Think children. We are not born with the innate capacity to deprive ourselves of something using wisdom and the idea of a potential future benefit as sole motivation. It’s something we learn as we grow (no matter what age that occurs…) And, yes, in many ways when we act on our compulsive wishes without regard to consequence or future ramifications, it’s our inner child coming out in us, and it may be time to put on our big girl pants!

But as with most things in life (including the pecan pie), too much of a good thing can be really really bad, and often harmful. Even a seemingly excellent quality like delayed gratification.

From a neurochemical approach, our intrinsic motivation in life is masterminded by dopamine produced by the substantia nigra, ventral tegmental area, and many others. The brain includes several distinct dopaminergic pathways, one of which plays a major role in the motivational component of reward-motivated pathways. The anticipation of rewards increases the level of dopamine in the brain. So, when we anticipate a greater reward after waiting for something, looking forward to something for longer, or holding off on something for a while, additional dopamine is released and we feel more enthusiasm and excitement.

You’ve likely heard the phrases “thrill of the chase”, or “it’s the journey that matters, not the destination.” These are both founded on the fact that our feel-good motivating neurotransmitter dopamine is created during times of striving and anticipation. (Sadly it’s also why we feel a bit of a let-down when all the presents are unwrapped on Christmas morning…)

So you may be wondering how holding off on something, working for something, or delaying gratification could ever be a bad thing since, in theory, the longer we work towards x,y,z, the happier and more motivated we feel, right?

To a great extent, yes. And to the extent that most individuals are actually capable of self-restraint; at some point balance is typically struck between whether it’s actually worth continuing to wait or simply move on, or how much work it will take to achieve the goal, amongst other considerations.

But for the person with incredible drive, self-control, determination, OCD, or (ironically) low-ish dopamine levels, the feeling of satisfaction and dopamine that comes from delayed-gratification or unending goal-chasing can, in themselves, fuel unhealthy and unbalanced pursuit.

Rarely, however, is this extreme taken without some additional form of motivation often driven by negative emotions or sense of self. It’s not atypical for low self-esteem, low self-image, or desire to be loved, praised, or admired to become added fuel towards the pursuit of unhealthy extremes and goals.

Leaving the subject of unattainable standards and the cycle of self-defeat that often ensues aside for another blog post, the problem with delayed gratification gone too far is that it often backfires.

Reward-motivated pathways only stay viable and working when the reward actually comes. If we are too successful at delayed gratification, we never actually recognize any of our achievements. The “end” is always moving further out. The goal post never stays in the same place for long. We don’t allow ourselves to rest for a moment to enjoy what we have and to recognize how far we’ve come; we must always move on to the next thing.

Many of you have likely experienced “burn-out” at some time or another in your life- perhaps in your career, school, a project, or simply a feeling of “spent” in your life as a whole. This feeling, on a micro scale, stems from lack of reward compared to effort. (Yes, even something simple like rest is a type of reward for hard work. It doesn’t have to be a huge payout or medal!)

And when we work towards something for too long without praise, seeing progress, or receiving positive feedback in any manner, or when we deprive ourselves of something we really, really want (so long as it’s responsible and not harmful), the connection between the feel-good motivating dopamine and the effort becomes blunted or lost altogether. As the sand in the timer continues to sift through (perhaps on its second or third round by that point), we are still gritting our teeth and holding off, or we haven’t allowed recognition of our efforts, it becomes harder and harder to stay enthusiastic about the mission be it something small like a house project or large like practicing for a recital or competition.

As humans, rewards are infinitely beneficial. Likewise, their lack is equally detrimental. But rewards don’t have to be grandiose. Nor do they need to come from outside of ourselves.

If you find yourself low on motivation, drive, enthusiasm, or just feeling blah about life as a whole, it’s highly likely you are low in dopamine. Perhaps that’s because you over-did it on delayed gratification by turning the sand timer too many times and your life’s fruit roll up went a bit stale, or you live alone and never received much praise for your efforts as a child. Regardless of the cause for your lack of passion and drive, finding ways to cheer yourself along, giving yourself small rewards, allowing deserved rest, verbally praising yourself through exclamations, or specifically mapping out mini-rewards for even the most mundane of tasks can do wonders for creating resilience and returning bounce to your step and dopamine to your brain.