Superficial “why’s”.

“Write your why’s on a piece of paper, and put it on your mirror, on the fudge, in your bedroom… everywhere you spend time so you see it.” She said.

I didn’t do it. I’m a fairly non-compliant person in general (or so I’ve been told). But in my defense, I always have my reasons. Good reasons. (IMO)

This was not the first time it had been recommended to me to come up with reasons to recover or do something, and display them in my environment to remind and encourage myself. Nor was it the first time that I was actually afraid to do so.

It’s not a bad approach for many things in life: reminding yourself when tempted by a latte that you are saving up for a manicure or trip, reminding yourself at the pre-butt crack of dawn that you’ll feel better after the workout, or envisioning the vacation you will treat yourself to when the massive project is done.

Motivation is one of the greatest activators for mankind. And without our purposeful involvement, there is actually a lot of motivation going on in the brain at any given time! Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that is released in anticipation. Once an action/reaction is learned and our brains have, at some point in our past, learned that a certain behavior results in pleasure or satisfaction, the next time this becomes a possibility, dopamine is released to motivate us forward to take the action.

Example: When you were little, your grandmother baked snickerdoodles. They smelled kind of sweet and like cinnamon. She offered you one, and you took a bite. “Wow that’s really good Grandma!” Now immediately a connection forms in your brain that links that smell, or the site of that cookie, or even the thought of a cookie, with feelings of pleasure and desire that make you crave a snickerdoodle. Dopamine is the propelling, craving part of the equation that makes you act, or want to act, to seek out that feeling again.

Sadly, this reward system can get a bit broken, or dampened. Additionally, when false “benefits” are perceived from an action, or based on unhealthy goals and desires, dopamine-based neural connections can be created between unhealthy actions and their results. The brain isn’t wired to like only certain things- it can be taught satisfaction.

In the world of addictions, disordered eating, OCD, and other psychological struggles, internally-derived “whys” for given activities can be both profoundly damaging and profoundly satisfying at the same time.

Two decades earlier I’d taken the angle of coming up with “why’s” for my recovery from anorexia, convincing myself of all kinds of things that would change when this or that happened. The problem was that they were distant, vague, and not guaranteed. Certainly living for possibilities is always a positive frame of mind. But when doubt and discouragement are high, these intangibles are often not enough to keep you fighting and focused in the moment- especially not when the dopaminergic pull of the unhealthy behaviors and the immediate “reward” is so imminent.

The concept of using “why’s” as motivators is founded on desire. Early on in a behavior-modification setting, or when a problematic behavior has only endured for a short time, chances are that the dopaminergic connections involved are not yet as strong as those still in existence from life experiences that occurred prior to the onset of the struggle-most no longer able to be experienced in the midst of it. In these cases, the allure of returning to what “felt better”, and to memories or goals that had been established prior to onset, are strong motivators.

However, when behaviors or a way of life has continued for a long time, the dopaminergic drive towards the newly established “highs” or “wins” associated with the problematic activity supersede those from past memories and experiences. Regrets that stem from inability to have the old feelings of joy and happiness that previously might have served to reorient a person’s behaviors back towards the healthier lifestyle no longer have a competitive edge.

Likewise, long- term goals or somewhat elusive desires for the future, do not have much dopaminergic pull, as they are not based on lived and learned action/reaction experiences, but rather on imagined and perceived ones yet to come. This is not dissimilar in nuance to FOMO (fear of missing out)- and how FOMO in the immediate setting causes tremendous distress and alters behavior, but FOMO for a future event does not register distress.

For me, and for many who get ensnared in bad habits, disordered eating, or poor coping mechanisms for angst in life, the harmful behavior doesn’t feel harmful. In most cases, it serves a purpose and plays a really big role in distress modification. So the “wins” feel pretty big and great. This is why you may have heard that an individual won’t really get better until he/she wants to get better.

That’s not to say encouragement to see the broader impact of behaviors and choices, no matter how “instinctive” it is for the individual, is futile. Certainly, if handled well and in a safety-evoking manner, it may reveal a wise perspective the distressed individual isn’t capable of seeing. But it is to say that:

1) if a viable (viable to that individual) option is not presented, feasible, and acceptable,

AND

2) the individual does not have either enough distress created yet by the activity to lower its dopaminergic pull

OR

3) the individual does not have a motivating factor that is greater than the highs/wins created by the current destructive behavior,

it is not likely he/she will be able to pull themselves out of the snare without sufficient support to rectify number 1) and either number 2) or 3) of the above.

Circling back to “why’s”:

What happens when someone who breaks a leg uses running as their “why” for rehab, but learns after a few months it’s not likely the leg will function like it did before, and endurance sports may be a struggle?

And what would you tell someone who goes through anorexia recovery so she can have children, only to find out the chances will be extremely small, and it may be an expensive, emotionally difficult journey of IVF that may/may not take?

How would you console the middle aged man who believes his “why” for escaping the snares of addictions will make him close to his family, come to find out family dynamics was a large part of why he suffered from addictions in the first place?

By the time I was serious about recovery and had the courage to really put my mind to it, most of my previous “whys” were no longer possible.

I already had weakened bones.

It was already too late for children.

I already missed my chance to enjoy the college experience.

I already had too many injuries to be a strong endurance athlete.

I already had deep wrinkles from collagen loss in my skin.

For years I searched for a “why” that would motivate me. But they all seemed so superficial. Deep down I knew that anything time could take away wouldn’t stand the test. Anything misfortune could take away wouldn’t stand the test. Anything I couldn’t be absolutely 100% certain would come true wouldn’t stand the test.

Confusion and despair set in for several years before I took the leap because though criteria #2 had slowly become increasingly evident, and I no longer received much dopaminergic pull or reward from how I lived, most of my “whys” didn’t satisfy criteria #1.

Sadly this world is shallow. It is superficial. And it tries to motivate and encourage through equally surface-level promises.

But when you are deeply, deeply entrenched in behaviors that give what seems like an instant reward every time, even when resulting dopamine starts to dwindle as the novelty expires and it takes increased intensity of x,y,z to satisfy, without a motivation that is enticing, guaranteed, and solid, even breaking free from the chains can often result in cycles, relapses, and living by a set of rules over what you can/can’t do to stay “clean”.

Enticing, guaranteed, solid. Big ask. I know.

But I had a big problem. It needed a big answer to a big ask.

I lived in this grey zone for quite a few years (6+), where I couldn’t find the answer to my big ask.

And then one day I realized… I never would.

Change is all about the future. It’s about navigating towards goals and dreams. It’s about possibilities and hope.

But most of all, it’s about the journey forward being better than not going on the journey at all and staying still. We don’t know what the future holds. This is why superficial “why’s”, even if they are feasible and do come true, are only good for a season at best, and if that. We only know that God has plans to prosper us if we let Him (Jeremiah 29:11). But that means letting go and believing that if you do your part, however small your mustard seed of faith may be, that He will do His.

On the wall in my little “me time” room, in black vinyl letters offset by the light green walls reads the scripture:

“You will be like a tree, firmly planted by streams of water. You will bear your fruit in season. Your leaves will not wither. And whatever you do will prosper.” -Psalms 1:3

Seasons come about through change. And if you allow that change, you will bear fruit and prosper. Now that is a promise from God I can get behind.

That is a solid “why”.