When the answer is “not yet”.
I left the dock on my afternoon paddle, grateful for calm water, and just a hint of a breeze. Usually by 2 pm it’s fairly windy out, and the sun overhead unrelenting. Today was peaceful, low 80s, and the forecast clear. Scattered clouds covered the sky- the kinds that billow and unfold on themselves. It was gonna be a great day for spotting animals and other imaginative shapes in them as I kayaked along, and the lighting was perfect for picture taking from my phone (which I should have in the special waterproof sleeve I bought for on the water but never do).
I turned the bend out of the marina, already listening to a podcast- the sound from my little phone’s speaker a bit muffled and robotic coming from the bottom of my boat. It was too nice out to wear my earbuds; I wanted to soak in every sound of the birds and insects today. As I came round the corner and passed all the boats in their respective slips, a gentleman getting gas for his fishing excursion said something to me as I passed the dock where he stood. So much for hearing everything today- over the garble of my podcast and splashing on my oars I didn’t catch a word.
I motioned with my index finger “hang on”, quieted my phone, and turned back ‘round to face him.
“The way back’s gonna be interesting.” I think he said.
“Oh?” I replied tilting my head slightly. (When do we learn to do this?)
“There’s rain headed this way this afternoon.” He pointed to a dark grey band of clouds west of us.
“That’s okay” I shrugged. “I’m not afraid of the rain.”
He smiled and off I went. It was a beautiful day for kayaking. I was tired from not sleeping well for a few days, so hadn’t planned it, but early fall is a time you don’t want to miss on the water. I checked the forecast on my phone again, and it still showed only 10% chance of rain. Typically storms coming from the west miss us. I’ve learned not to depend on clouds from that direction to water my garden, even if the forecast shows we’re gonna get pounded.
For the first half hour I paddled away from the grey band in the distance, then turned to follow the course of the lake and noticed they weren’t really in the distance anymore. Another fifteen minutes of paddling and the wind hit. If you’ve ever kayaked into the wind, it feels a little silly. If you are lucky, you paddle your heart out, using every muscle you knew you had and a few that you think might be new(?), and stay in one place. Worst case, you revisit a few landmarks you saw earlier, paddling forwards but in fact moving backwards. Fortunately it was the edge of the storm, so I got mostly wind. But a half hour later the storm’s little sister caught up, and after that, the little cousin, and then another sibling poured down on me in my little lime green boat.
But, I told myself, “you’re not afraid of the rain”, remember? (Basically a prideful encouragement not to head back to the marina.) Somewhere towards the beginning of the close-to-soaked phase I noticed the sun peeping out through a hole in the sky. Yes, while it was raining.
Instantly I remembered something my dad taught me when I was small- “If you ever see the sun while it’s raining, turn your back to the sun and you’ll see a rainbow.” That theory was tested and validated hundreds of times wasting water from a garden hose sprayed into the air on a summer afternoon. But it never ceased to amaze me.
I turned around in my kayak, trying to orient with my back to the little hole in the clouds, and looked all around. It was pouring with rain in all directions still, and not at all the proper conditions for a rainbow, and I knew this. But a childlike disappointment welled up inside. I looked up and said, with hope and a bit of soul desperation, “God, please give me a rainbow.”
I paddled on in the rain, actually feeling a bit guilty for setting myself up for disappointment in God by requesting a rainbow as I did. Nevertheless, for about a half hour I kept looking up and around me, just in case God heard me and my wishful prayer was answered. Eventually I gave up and paddled on in the rain, admiring the evenness of the drops and mesmerizing circles each left all around me. My mind churned over the idea of asking God for things when circumstances weren’t right for them to happen yet, and how it wasn’t fair to ask those of Him because, for Him to grant my wish would mean other things had to be different, and they weren’t yet. Naturally I wasn’t reflecting on asking for rainbows at this point. My mental conversation had quickly shifted to life, the many prayers yet unanswered, and the many more answered with what I believed to be “not yet, you aren’t ready”. Answer or not, I lived often disappointed when all the faith and hope I could muster up was met with more rain instead of a rainbow.
Waiting on God can be hard, and even more so, disappointing. His timing, while theoretically perfect (at least that’s what Scripture and pastors tell us), often frustrates and discourages us. It’s not uncommon for us to get angry when we are hurting and it feels like He’s not listening. We get disheartened and depressed, sometimes even turning our back on Him. After all, doesn’t Jesus tell us to ask for things and He will give them to us?
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8
When we hurt deeply or have struggled against the wind and rain for a long time, only to be met with another storm, it’s natural to ask “If it’s not my fault, and I really am truly trying my best, why would God allow this to happen?” We think, “If God really loved me…if he understood me…if He knew how much I am suffering, then surely He would…” “Either He can or He can’t. If He can, as the Bible teaches us regarding His ability to do all things, then it means He must be choosing not to. If God really loved me He would choose to do something.”
In the midst of our tears of discouragement and heartache, we forget that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts our higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). There is always a reason for the storm. Without the rain there can be no life. Do not mistake God’s patience for His absence. His timing is perfect, and His presence is constant. He is always with you.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
Even the tiniest bit of faith can do miraculous things on your journey of life and healing. After all, Jesus said “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20-21. But Jesus says nothing of Gods timing, nor when the mountain will move. He only speaks to the power of faith. And what if we have our sight set on moving the wrong mountain?
In recovery, and when faced with the storms of life, we put tremendous time and effort into figuring out our plan for healing and getting through the time. It’s easy for our focus to narrow to the trials of today, and ending them as soon as possible at whatever cost. When breaking chains of bondage to disordered eating, dieting, depression, and when faced with tremendous physical or emotional pain, we need the mountain to be moved today! And we wonder why our mustard seed amount of faith isn’t working as it should.
God always answers our prayers, it’s just that sometimes His answer is “no” or “not yet.”
A “not yet” is easier to accept. We know that, when we trust in the Lord, we persevere through challenges with knowledge that the testing of our faith produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope (Romans 5:3) – and that we don’t have to go through the storms in life alone.
If God answers with “not yet”, maybe He’s preparing you for something coming up- teaching you perseverance and patience. He could be protecting you from harm you cannot see, or from a lifestyle that weakens your dependence on Him. Your focus may be in the wrong place; He needs you to use your faith in a different place in your life that needs attention first. He knows that if He answers your prayers as you wish, you would miss out on the greater gifts that lie ahead.
But when His answer is “no”, it is always because His plan is different from ours; He has a bigger and better plan. There’s a bigger, more important mountain He needs to move with our faith instead of the one we keeping pushing. We can trust that if He’s taking us through it instead of delivering us from it there is a good reason and greater purpose in mind.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
We don’t often know what’s best for us, and we have a lifetime of mistakes to remind us of this. Nevertheless, we often skip over the “according to His will” part when we read: “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” 1 John 5:14.
It’s easy to get disappointed like I did in my little kayak when I didn’t see the rainbow I requested. Faced with daily pain or grief, it’s only human to feel discouraged and become disillusioned with the idea of prayers and God’s power. But don’t give up hope. He won’t always answer when we want Him to, and the answer won’t often look like what we had in mind. It will be better.
The end of my story:
After two hours of kayaking in the rain, I turned towards the marina to make my way home. I’d forgotten about my request by then, and had resumed my podcast since the rain had mostly passed and I could hear it again. As I reoriented my little boat and settled into my strokes for the paddle back, I glanced up towards the dark grey backside of the storm now just to the east.
A beautiful full arch of color appeared and grew in intensity right before my eyes. And when it had settled into its glory, a second arrived just above. I didn’t get my rainbow. I got two! So pleased with Gods reply and masterful display of capability, I broke into a huge smile of delight, and started clapping, right there, by myself, in the middle of the lake.
When life is hard and you feel like God isn’t hearing your cries, keep asking, and watch with expectancy, like I did every time I turned around in my kayak and looked up, hoping to maybe see an arch of color splayed across the sky. (Psalm 5:3) But be prepared for unexpected answers.
Whether God says “no”, or “not yet” to your faithful prayers or the unspoken cries from your heart for liberation from the burdens you carry, keep praying. He will answer- in His time, and unfolding His plan. You’ll see… it’ll be far more than you could ever have imagined.
