Fearing a pinned shadow.
An interesting conversation recently with my therapist spun around how conditioned society has become to “self-protect” at all cost. Either through various methods of isolation and distancing, or the employment of (typically unhealthy) coping mechanisms, most do what they can to avoid any feelings of discomfort that arise.
In my post “Tension is meant to move you, not to harm you”, and again with reference to the brain in “Pain is not the same as harm”, I explained that, while feelings may feel bad, they hold a great deal of wisdom for us. Feelings arise both from instinctive as well as learned interpretations and implications of events, words, or actions. Both types of feelings, and the instinctive or learned reactions of our nervous system that follow suit to either steer us back to perceived safety or encourage an activity further, are all ways the brain helps us navigate life.
Furthermore, the nervous system is there not simply to protect you, but also as an umbrella for your feelings, working to block out the effects of additional storms while feelings are processed, rationalized, and understood.
Our nervous system is like a shadow pinned to our feelings.
We can’t have one without the other. But what often complicates things is that we become afraid of the shadow itself. Not only do we not like negative feelings, we don’t like our reactions to them either. And it is usually this realization that opens conversation and begins the journey of working through whatever is actually eating away at your core.
Have you ever flipped out at your spouse for seemingly no reason? Your children? A colleague?
No, probably not. You are “perfect”, I know. So for arguments sake, I’ll talk about me. I am far, far from perfect and it’s so obvious to everyone who has experienced my temper in the slightest way that there is no logic in pretending otherwise.
I am a reactive person. I’m very proactive until something goes wrong and I feel something negative, then I’m REALLY reactive. And, once I explode at whoever is around, it’s typically minutes before grief and guilt set in. Apologies follow. And follow. And follow.
Although undernourishment added fuel to the flame, I, like many individuals, also coped with feelings through food- both the restriction of and the abundant allowance of.
What usually happens in scenarios like these (both exploding at others and restricting/bingeing on food) is that we become so distressed with our nervous systems responses of the “Four F’s” - frantic, fight, flight, then freeze (if it gets to that stage before relief or coping is entailed)- that we do everything in our power to keep the reaction from happening again.
Maybe we establish rules that we cannot bring up “x,y,z” in conversation, we don’t allow carbs, pizza, ice cream, or ‘fill in the blank’ into the house in the first place, or we jump ahead in the lineup to freeze and bottle up so as not to hurt anyone.
With each of these damage-control tactics, however, we are merely running from our shadows.
It makes sense at first, because the nervous system reaction shadows are what appear to be doing the damage. And yes, this is true and they are. But if we aren’t very careful, our focus never shifts to unraveling and exploring the feelings underneath to which the shadows are eternally and inseparably pinned.
My husband (thank goodness) knows me well enough to know that I’m not a violent person. He has weathered enough storms to know by now that even tornadoes are preceded by a putrid green sky, birds flying in circles at crazy high altitudes, and (if you grew up in Oklahoma) sirens blaring long before the wind picks up. By the time he comes home (or downstairs during Covid) from work, though, it’s oftentimes already hailing in the kitchen. It pisses me off at the time, but he wisely knows to ask “What’s really upsetting you?”
The weather didn’t used to get that bad in our house because I had previously coped with life through bulimia. So life “felt” better and safer. But it’s been a solid trek, not for the faint of heart, learning how not to suffocate my feelings nor be afraid of my reaction shadows, and instead ask them back “What are you trying to tell me I need to process or get help to work through?”
Bulimia was a bad umbrella for my feelings that caused tremendous long-term damage to far more than just my broken teeth. Yes, it protected me in some ways from further emotional storms I wasn’t strong enough to weather, but at a huge cost. In the cases of disordered eating and most unhealthy coping mechanisms people turn to, the nervous system shadows are learned through inappropriate overstimulation or traumatic events causing the amygdala (in charge of emotional regulation) to overpower the frontal lobes (in charge of reasoning and rational interpretation). The reaction shadows cause us to behave in confusing and shameful ways that often hurt ourselves and others. And that’s never good.
But running from them, or chaining yourself to rules in attempt to manhandle your reactiveness into disappearance rarely works… if ever. It simply leaves you more exposed to your feelings, with added burden and responsibility (sometimes labeled as “accountability”). This is why bad habits so often shift one to another with any attempt at abstinence, and why relapses are so prevalent when combatting addictions.
Fittingly, shadows bare the likeness of what they are attached to. Reactions of enthusiasm and energy are linked to feelings of joy, peace and satisfaction. But those of avoidance or flight into unhealthy coping strategies outline feelings of pain, grief, distress, anxiety, fear, loneliness, and a host of other feelings deep inside that need some TLC. And one thing to remember about shadows… they are always larger than what creates them.
Nonetheless, the shadows of the nervous system that drive reactivity are merely that… shadows. And you can’t catch a shadow anymore than you can pin down a cloud. Unafraid of them, ask them what they have to teach you. They will introduce you to your feelings. And feelings hold a lot of wisdom in their stories told when you listen intently. Hidden within the words of their tales are the true wounds that need attention. Given the right support, patience, grace, and time, they can fully heal and disappear. And with them will go their shadows of reactance.
