The badge of resilience.
“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving; we get stronger and more resilient” -Dr Steve Maraboli
I’m in the middle of listening to a daily series on resilience by renowned therapist, Dr Rick Hansen. I’m also in the midst of one of the darkest, toughest battles of my life. The irony of the two overlapping was not planned… I’m on his email list, and this was the next summit he was chairing.
This isn’t my first rodeo with intense pain, but it’s by far the most severe. And while it’s all fine and well to listen to lectures on how resilience forms (picture the life version of working out in a gym and the cycle of pain-to-stamina that is entailed), it doesn’t help to fight the battle. Becoming resilient isn’t something that you do to yourself by suffering. It’s something that happens afterwards as a result. And it happens to varying degrees, depending on what you do with the soul lessons learned through the trial.
Resilience is painted as a heroic attribute- one to be commended, if not saluted. Yet that perspective generally belongs to the bystander who imagines the depicted torment valiantly evidenced through detailed narratives or images of survival.
But resilience has a dark side; it takes its toll. To the passerby it is admirable. To the sufferer it becomes a way of life because…
Resilience can leave scars.
What many fail to recognize is that, once the struggle is over, a person doesn’t simply join the crowd and pick up where they left off in life. Trauma changes you. Pain changes you. Heartache changes you. Grief changes you. Others may see the scars- even the invisible ones if they draw close enough. But only the survivor truly appreciates the all-encompassing soul-piercing journey the scars represent.
It is the distance between the understandings that can make living a life of resilience feel so lonely and misunderstood. Healing from the wounds of a battle enough to become more resilience doesn’t mean future wounds hurt less or that you never get knocked down again (a misconception sometimes communicated by well-meaning others through phrases like “you are a fighter”, “you are strong”, “you’ve been through tough times before”). This distance can even span far enough that loved ones no longer react to your trials with as much concern and attention as they used to.
Resilience is often defined as the mental reservoir of strength that helps people handle stress and hardship. And becoming resilient means learning to face difficulties head-on instead of falling into despair. But, like having courage, it doesn’t mean you no longer feel pain or fear.
Likewise, having earned scars of resilience doesn’t mean you no longer suffer as badly as others. (In fact, remaining trauma can make future attempts to be resilient even more challenging.) It means simply that at some point you had no choice but to lean into an internal strength you didn’t know you had, and have courage like never before in order to simply survive. And now you wear evidence that reminds you of your perseverance… but that likely also carries memories your brain can never forget. In this way, becoming resilient often means bearing different types of invisible scars and carrying them forward with you into battles to come.
Physical scars of resilience are easily recognizable. The body itself is extremely resilient, so even the deepest wounds often heal with time. But emotional wounds heal up in a different way and with different timing. We are, in general, far less emotionally resilient.
This is because emotional resilience is not instinctive and driven automatically by the body. It must be developed.
So how does a person develop this resilience?
There are many factors that contribute to resilient behavior, including personality traits, upbringing, genetics, environmental factors, and social support. And the emotional scarring as a result of developing this resilience depends on whether the battle was approached with a supportive environment, or it came though a fight for survival, laced with fear, isolation, and unsupported trauma.
Furthermore, resilience brought on by purposeful challenges is quite different from that brought about by lack of choice. It’s during the times when we struggle not from deliberate practices to get stronger (like practicing sending out resumes and getting rejections, giving recitals in public, or taking cold showers) but through events that are out of our control, that we wish we had previously developed more resilience though conscious effort or had it exemplified to us by those around us.
The very practices that develop resilience become the characteristics of a resilient person. It’s a “Do it afraid until you are no longer afraid” sort of attribute. Perspectives and mind shifts to view problems as challenges to conquer, looking for lessons and life wisdom from adversity, detaching self-worth from achievement, and focusing on gratitude through a time of despair are all skills acquired through practice.
But foundational to all of the efforts to further our desire to become stronger in the face of adversity, is a fundamental belief in oneself that overcoming is possible. From a place of fear and insecurity, our natural threat response isn’t able to abate enough to mindfully and willfully shift your thoughts and automatic, protective responses. This is one reason why maintaining supportive, encouraging relationships is so important, and why family support and modeled responses to difficulties during childhood has such a profound influence on our adult brain. A kind word and reminder of the truth from a friend can go a long ways when we are distressed and hurting, as can the inherent sense of security from being raised in a resilience-oriented family.
As humans, it will always matter what other people see or think. Not because their influence trumps your own or that of Your Creator, but because we are social creatures, instructed by God to uplift one another and band together in times of trial.
Unfortunately though, no matter their eloquence, another human will never fully understand what you have been through. And likely their words will forever fall short of matching the deep comfort your soul longs for, for complete healing.
So even if you are struggling and fighting a battle without the support and encouragement of others, or didn’t have resilience modeled to you as a child, if your previous resilience left you with physical and emotional scars earned through chivalrous perseverance, wear them as a badge. They are your reminders that you overcame before; and that you can overcome again. Don’t discount what you’ve proven to yourself and what God and you can do as a team.
