The Recovery Pushmi-Pullyu.
Imagine you are the rope between two battling sides in a game of tug of war. Tense, to say the least, eh?
Now imagine that you are not just the rope, but also both opponents at the same time. Now it’s just downright confusing.
Greetings friend. I’ve just introduced you to the Recovery Pusmi-Pullyu. Say hello!
Perhaps the most unusual animal featured in the 1967 movie classic "Doctor Dolittle" was the Pushmi-Pullyu: a white llama with a head on each end that wanted to walk in opposite directions at the same time. It had no tail, four legs, two front halves, and two heads; both halves facing in opposite directions.
The character is a depiction of complete madness and confusion, constant arguments over which direction to go in, and of the remarkable coordination and synchronicity needed to make any reasonable strides. So much so that decades later the Pushmi-Pullyu has become the symbol of campaign finance reform efforts in Congress! (I had to laugh when I learned this…)
The inherent problem of the Pushmi-Pullyu is that both heads want to walk forwards. But for the creature to get anywhere it needs to sometimes allow one head to go forward and the other to walk backwards. In other words (if you can’t quite gather an image of a two- headed arguing lama in your head), you cannot go in two opposing directions at the same time. Nor can more than one leader actually productively lead at any one time.
If you are recovering from a lifetime of dieting, an eating disorder, or addiction, you have probably already personalized this analogy to the various “you’s” involved in your battle. But for those of you still a bit lost, let me paint a more detailed (and less fuzzy) picture for you.
Most of us have a few different versions of ourselves chattering away in our heads at any given time.
Maybe part of you wants to binge Netflix tonight, but the responsible part of you knows that the laundry pile can be measured by yards starting last weekend. (The laundry from the last few days is still on the bathroom floor.)
Reasonable you knows that a longer hemline and higher neckline would be more suitable at a 70th birthday party. But the teenager part of you that comes out when you hear the word “party” is thinking “red, short, sleeveless, stilettos….”
Disciplined you decided to stay a bit late to finish the project for tomorrow mornings 8 am briefing. But crap- happy hour at the Taphouse on Thursdays is an awesome deal- it’s all you can eat!
Little things like this create random debates between what can sometimes feel like very different sides of you. We typically display one or the other, and the quieter of the two dissipates. Occasionally moral dilemmas cause a bit more ruckus, but they are never unmanageable after a chat with a girlfriend or a glass of Cabernet.
For the person in recovery, however, the brain’s Pushmi-Pullyu is on caffeine, steroids, and running from a bush fire at the same time, every minute of every hour, all day, every day, all week, … you get my point.
Gradually, as false beliefs about the body, health, identity or life are challenged and corrected, and as determination and support enter the battle, one side (the healthy side) will get stronger and eventually start leading the way. But unless a deliberate choice is made in support of what you know is the right thing to do or not do (the healthy lama), regardless of what you feel temporarily happier or falsely safer doing (the unhealthy lama), paralysis of analysis will prevail and the Pushmi-Pullyu of recovery will stay in exactly the same place.
You know what you need to do, but you don’t want to have to do it. Maybe you know your body is suffering, but the idea of gaining needed weight is truly terrifying. You hate constantly dieting and restricting, but you don’t trust your body’s wisdom and fear you’ll completely lose all control. Or you may dream of being free and eating joyfully at holidays, but you are afraid that letting go of the eating disorder identity will leave you not knowing who you are.
The theme keeping the mental Pushmi-Pullyu in a stalemate on the board of life? Fear.
But fortunately, fear isn’t a truth. It’s a feeling. Fear isn’t reality. It’s negative, stressed, hypothetical imagination.
The good news? With courage, a bit of grit, some acquired wisdom, and some truths under your belt, fear fades. But fears won’t start to fade until you challenge them by acting on and replacing them with truths. This takes faith. And it takes a decision… every single time.
Until the healthy lama in you is strong and running full speed ahead with your other half obediently catering to it and resigning to a life of not getting its way any longer, every decision made decides if you move forward, or stay still… or travel back towards the dark places you are trying to break away from.
If your Recovery Pushmi-Pullyu isn’t cooperating, and you feel like the best you can do is run around in circles, you are certainly not alone. But nor is staying like this going to help you achieve your dreams! Let me help pull that healthy side of you forward a bit… it might be just the push your other side needs.
