Drifting alone…
“Lindsay isn’t taking new clients, but you can work with Chelsea”, the intake coordinator told me.
Chelsea is 25. I was 40.
And there’s something just not okay with a 25 year old gal, no matter how well “book trained” and no matter how well-intentioned, guiding me in all the broken aspects of my life and telling me how to eat.
After months of searching again for a dietitian who 1) had availability, 2) had experience with disordered eating 3) did not simply use meal plans (that I would not follow) 4) was affordable and 5) was older than me, I gave up… for the sixth time since I started my health journey two years before.
The world is busting at the seams with eager new dietitians, a dime a dozen. New catch phrases such as #health-at-every-size and #intuitive eating have taken commonplace. And yet- they were all the same. Once a week, 52 minutes, a different breakfast alternative, more than half the session going over the past week, and the other half me crying and discouraged because what I knew to do never seemed to cross over the kitchen door jam.
With not a single woman in my family or small circle of friends who didn't have some form of disordered relationship with food and their body’s, I had finally decided something needed to change, and, somehow, I needed to let go of anorexia and bulimia. But I had absolutely no idea how to eat. Disordered eating and dieting was all I could see around me in this very broken world. There was no one around to mimic to learn “normal” eating… whatever “normal” meant. The was no one to show me the way or put to rest the persistent screaming fears that drowned out the tiny voices of courage I occasionally heard from my daydreams of “what if’s” and “I wish’s”.
“So it’s just you and me, brain.”
Completely alone, I started my journey. Blindly determining that the only way out of bulimia was cold turkey because I couldn’t afford to fail, I quit.
Stopping purging was hard enough. I don’t think I could do it again. But learning how to eat, when anorexia and bulimia was all I had known for 24 years proved way harder. I had no appetite cues, no family around, no friends, and no coach. For years I had gazed out through the white muntins of the kitchen window, imaging myself as a bird dreaming of freedom from my food cage. Yet now that the cage door had been pried open, I realized I didn’t know how to fly.
My tired, malnourished brain had to teach itself all about food- what it was supposed to do for me, how it would help my body heal, how it could be nutritious and delicious at the same time, how carbohydrates made me sleep so much better, and how I actually really loved coconut and cashews.
And it was not okay. No one should have to do what I had to do. I promised God that, if He helped me through this, I would always do everything I could to help anyone who came across my path who needed what I’d learned through my journey.
A few years have passed since I turned that important page in life, and I have a lot more wrinkles now- some from smiling, a lot from sadness and worry, and many more from age. My trauma egg has so many cracks, it’s now turned into a Faberge!
But with my age has come great wisdom; from my brokenness, deep empathy. And learning to nourish my weak broken little self has indeed enabled God to bestow on me a “crown of beauty instead of ashes.” (Isaiah 61:3)
Though my burdens left me with some scars- constant reminders of a life I have left behind- and my story is far from over (which I’m really grateful for because I missed out on so much in life!), I believe I have what it takes to be “her” for someone else out there feeling lost, alone, and discouraged.
Primed with years of research in nutrition, metabolism, and physiology, along with first hand experience from my own adventures and trials in recovery, I pursued certification as an Mind-Body Nutrition and Dynamic Eating Psychology Coach to equip me with the additional skills and expertise I desired to become the best version of the “her” I needed but never had for all the “me’s” out there searching for freedom, wholeness, true health and peace with food.
If you feel alone too, and are looking for that gentle guidance forward into a better chapter in life, I’ve got you. Just reach out here.
