The Quasi-Hammock
Quasi-
It’s a term I’d never heard before until I listened to a podcast on recovery in which someone described… well, me.
So I looked it up. Yep, definitely me.
The disordered eating community coined the term “quasi-recovery” to represent a middle ground, hanging-out phase of recovery that one can get stuck in, which is past the crisis zone, past the substantial risk zone, and actually pretty far along the route to the destination of recovered. But it’s… not…quite… there.
It’s easy to naively imagine that once you make a decision to change your life, let go of an eating disorder, or start to improve your nutrition, that things will fall into place in a linear fashion. But, wow, this couldn’t be further from the truth!
There is a lot of stumbling when you learn anything for the first time (ask your mom to send a video of you learning to walk). But it’s even more challenging if you have to unlearn such things as integral to daily life as eating and movement, before learning a whole new way of doing them again! The journey is long and arduous. It’s not uncommon for things to get worse before they get better.
But understanding that re-wiring the brain takes time should encourage patience, and with dedication and time you will notice improvements:
Maybe you can now eat with loved ones.
You had cake on your birthday.
You don’t compulsively move or exercise to account for calories.
You are not cold anymore (remember being cold even in summer?!)
And your mood has leveled… a little anyway.
Congratulations, you are well on your way through the recovery mess! But you might also find that, while you aren’t turning back to your ways of coping with life before, nor are you recognizing the full benefits of recovery yet. This is “quasi-recovery”.
It’s not a bad place to be given your past. In fact, it’s a pretty “good-enough” place to be! It’s certainly far better than where you were before. And, to be honest, your relationship with food, body and health is likely better than 90% of the population. But, you are… not… quite… there.
What turns quasi-recovery into a problem is when, rather than being a descriptor of the place you are travelling through as part of your recovery journey, it becomes the destination.
And here’s the thing about hanging out in the quasi-hammock: it rocks back and forth. It’s a little tippy in the slightest breeze, and while it feels really comfy at first, you’ll start to ache eventually. Relapse is waiting, keen to tip you out, and energy wanes with each breeze testing your dedication and perseverance.
The other interesting concept behind quasi- is that, while developing a solid relationship with food and exercise (just like building a life you are proud of and solid relationships) takes time and effort that never stops, intentions followed by action are what propels us towards full freedom. While no one is perfect, honest hard work and integrity is fundamental to true healing and lasting change.
And, well, staying in quasi- takes merely an “okay, but…” attitude. A “this is good enough” attitude. You deserve more for yourself. And you should certainly believe in yourself more than that after how far you’ve already voyaged!
Someone who’s landed here deserves a standing ovation at literally every meal. I mean that. (But please don’t actually do this- it can feel a little demeaning to someone just trying to eat and live normally.) They’ve been through hell and back, and likely have physical and emotional scars to showcase the battles both lost and won. So please don’t take my words about attitude as those of criticism, for I actually thanked God for my (yellow-striped and really posh) quasi-hammock and told Him (I knew better than to ask) that I’d decided to stay there for a while! And I did. For too long I’m ashamed to admit.
Though thrown around as common lingo primarily between those suffering from, or in recovery from, full-blown diagnosed eating disorders, what is under-appreciated is the application of the quasi- concept to most individuals in one way or another, especially when it comes to health.
What many might not understand from the way “quasi-“ is presented, typically as a point of stagnation on route towards fulfillment and vitality, is that the hammock can be entered into from either side.
The individual routinely skipping meals because of an early meeting at work, or a deadline just after noon, is toying with their immunity and nutrition needed to function optimally.
The person who crash dieted for 3 months to fit into a dress for her sisters wedding has also encroached upon that middle-ground.
The guy who made a New Year’s resolution to eat a ketogenic diet but didn’t know how to properly fuel his workouts or keep electrolytes balanced- he has climbed in for a swing.
Your friend who successfully managed to stop self-harming and binge eating, but is slowly chipping away at her self-care habits is allowing late-night snacking to take a foothold again. She’s heading towards that quasi- in-between camp again too.
Both the recovering bulimic and the dad of 3 boys trying to get in shape for spring practice sessions are striving for better health. But until balance and full recovery or optimal health are actually achieved and maintained, both are equally vulnerable to getting stuck in a… not… quite… there spot.
So then what actually indicates you may be hanging out in the breeze and the finish line yet to be crossed? And why is it so tempting (and often ignorantly done even with good intention) to kick off your boots when you arrive at this midway place of respite rather than keep trudging through ‘til the battle is securely won once for all?
Well, most obviously, life is way better. I mean WAY the heck better.
For those battling eating disorder recovery, by the time they reach “quasi-camp”, heaps of landmarks of recovery are now in the rear view. Some of these look like:
People aren’t worried about you anymore. The world thinks you are “all better now”. Phew.
Reproductive function has returned (if it had ceased).
You eat lots of variety and to the outside world seem to eat “normally”. You might even be praised for the well-balanced meals you create!
Your weight has plateaued and is deemed “restored” and your BMI (a BS measure of health btw) is in a “good” range.
Bingeing/purging (including with exercise) has stopped.
Your labs look good (they can actually look good even while/if you are very ill, so this is a deceptive marker anyway.)
You don’t feel like you are fighting meals all the time.
Being in a quasi- state for those seeking to better their overall health or loose unnecessary weight held might look like: ***trigger warning- this is NOT for those recovering from disordered eating***
Crafting new weekly meal plans that have lots of nourishing foods and plenty of protein.
Buying heaps more produce and good-quality foods, and keeping less processed stuff in the house for when munchies hit.
Signing up for a gym membership and committing to going several times a week (and actually making it happen!).
Starting to notice a difference in how clothes fit and what you see in the mirror.
Listening to health podcasts.
Getting a subscription to a cooking magazine to help you learn to cook.
If you said to me that all these markers were wonderful things, I’d agree with you 100%. I want to be clear: I’m not against all of the above things happening. In fact, most of them are part of recovery or bettering one’s health, or at least an indicator that recovery or progress is actually happening. What I am against is using those markers as determiners that full recovery and true health has been achieved.
For many with a disorganized relationship with food, fear, uncertainty of life without a security blanket of food manipulation or exercise abuse, and deeply-rooted issues that haven’t been completely exposed and put to rest often keep the finish line just beyond reach.
For individuals simply wanting to better their health, or those that truly need to, it’s often a lack of knowledge, lack of perseverance, or even fighting the wrong battle render the end goal elusive and fleeting. It’s extremely uncommon for simple measures such as dogmatic dieting and increased exercise to lead to satisfying and lasting results when, in fact, life soul lessons need to be learned, stress or trauma are keeping the body in a state of protection and alert, and there is body wisdom to be acknowledged that’s been dismissed for decades.
If you aren’t sure whether you have arrived and are recovered or healthy yet, you probably aren’t. Much of the sustainability and fulfilment of true, lasting, balanced health and living lies within your thinking, and deep within your soul. So if you are wondering, something must still feel ‘not-quite’ or you may be feeling a little unsteady when challenging times come. You are likely the only one who can honestly decide if you are there yet. But it’s pretty important that you do, as you deserve to know what it feels like to not struggle anymore. And maybe you are only just now realizing there might actually be more than this really great place you have planted your flag!
Storms that rock the hammock are the indicators of dis-ease or struggle still present, keeping a foothold in your life and keeping you stuck…not…quite…there. Here are some examples of what the almost-but-not-quite part of quasi-life looks like:
Storms for the shape-shifter, new health-enthusiast, or wellness-seeker might look like:
Perfectionism is starting to govern over your meals and lifestyle. The diet is starting to take more and more thought and time to maintain. According to Brene Brown,
“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
You’ve started to stigmatize foods into categories of “goodness” and guilt over choosing the “wrong” or “bad” foods is causing increasing stress.
You’ve started creating more and more rules to control your food intake and stick to your diet plans. Eating out at restaurants, traveling, and dining with family causes stress and takes a lot of planning ahead.
Food and movement has become solely about calories and nutrients. Pleasure has been replaced by discipline and deprivation.
Initially you just wanted to lose some weight. But over time, that weight came back, and you have to continually be on a diet to achieve or maintain a weight or size that is likely unrealistic, and possibly unhealthy.
Happiness with body and weight is always in the future and chasing it is has become lot of work.
Positive motivation for becoming a better version of you has turned inward and you are becoming judgmental and critical of your body and efforts.
Storms for the disordered-eating recovery warrior might look like:
You are fairly regimented still and struggle with deviating from your food and meal related plans.
You still count calories as a way to determine how much you “should” eat, or more realistically, to keep it under a certain threshold.
You save much of your allotted food allowance til the evening.
Food groups or specific macros cause anxiety so you avoid them if possible.
“Health” is often used as a cover for “what feels safe”.
You struggle with indecision when it comes to food still- you want it all, but at the same time none of it. What you have is still incredibly important.
You weigh yourself or body check routinely as a way to “keep in check” or feel safer about how things are going in life.
You secretly (or, less often, openly) still wish to be a different size/weight or engage in disordered behaviors.
You love being active, but really struggle if something interferes with your exercise schedule or you have to take time off due to travel or injury.
You are a bit OCD with numbers revolving around intake or exercise.
Other peoples dieting or exercising still bothers you.
You don’t really trust your body and, even at a much healthier place, still try to control it to some extent.
If any of these thoughts or behaviors resonate with where you are at, you know full recovery and optimal health hasn’t been achieved yet. You are in a quasi-hammock. As nice as it may seem in the moment, relapse of disordered eating, and risk of developing one and/or upsetting your body’s metabolism and functioning is high in this state with even the tiniest breeze of stress or illness. If you are in recovery, tremendous strides have been made, but the brain has yet to fully re-wire. And if you are trying to navigate better health on your own and find your world narrowing without enjoying the benefits anticipated, it’s a warning sign to turn around.
As I wrote earlier, quasi- is not a bad state to be in. It’s a natural phase on any healing journey, but meant as a passageway, not a destination. It’s deceptively easy to get stuck and set up camp here because motivation to push to the end can be difficult to drum up, and life feels so much better than it used to- you are proud of your progress! (And rightfully so!)
That nagging small voice you hear though… the one sensing the wind coming and warning you that a hammock isn’t great when a hurricane of stress arrives… listen to it. Whether you’ve stalled on your travels and know you haven’t spanned the distance but can’t seem to get unstuck, don’t believe where you are at is “good enough” and you want to see what’s waiting, or you realize that the diet you embarked on hasn’t fulfilled its enticing promises and you now feel disillusioned with the concept of true health, let me help re-orient, re-motivate, re-energize you. You can put up a bigger hammock on the other side where the wind won’t tip you over. Set up a discovery call here.
Set it up where the wind doesn’t blow.
